” I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now have the lovely pleasure to kiss the bride ” The Pastor gladly pronounced
Their heads ‘slow motioned’ towards each other’s lips to share their first matrimonial kiss.
(Well, they had shared such encounter, several times like a covalent bond, through the preparatory stages that greenlight this day. They even crossed borders to do things unworthy before God during their dating period but they were unseen to man; seen by God.)
The congregation gazed with a keen interest to witness the bond of flesh and soul between these two ‘love birds’. She suddenly placed her finger on the groom’s lips, just when it was only a thin air between the incoming kiss and drew back.
” Wait. Is that Jemila’s perfume all over you ? And is it ‘Kilishi(dried meat)’ I smell in your breath? So it’s true you’re having an affair with Jemila and the ‘Kilishi’ seller” She hissed furiously
The congregation was stunned and confused, thrown aboard the deep seas like Lokoja’s flood victims. It wasn’t clear to them as to why the two didn’t complete the task of tasting each other’s lips as newly weds.
” I don’t get you Babe” He said, muddled at his new wife’s question
” Oh, I now sound like a minion so you didn’t hear me the first time right ?” Her anger began to hiss and burn like magma. The ‘fumes’ of her anger was sensed by every person in the Cathedral.
” Babe, I can expl…” He took a step to draw closer, only to be stopped by a heavy pound of slap from his new wife. The scene looked like the beginning of the fight scene in a film than a marriage journey. The bridesmaids and groomsmen tried to calm the bride but she stopped them with the Hindi movie line “Don’t angry me!” fierce look. She didn’t even pay heed to the Pastor’s words.
” Disgraceful idiot! I knew it ! How could you?! ” She asked her groom with fire in her eyes.
” I don’t know what you’re talking about” The humble groom said undertone, though the intensity of the slap was still glaring on his cheek. The slap reduced the power of his voice I guess.
She hissed loudly and hurriedly walked down the altar in tears, angrily sputtering about how she dearly loved her new husband whom she felt had betrayed her love. The groom stood at the altar, not knowing the right words to say to calm his bride. He walked two steps down the aisle…
“I love you!” He shouted
“Don’t ever say that to me! Tell Jemila and the ‘kilishi’ seller ! ” The bride returned to walk towards the groom at the altar.
” I know” The groom said to the bride
The bride turned around quickly and scowled. ” You know what? That you cheated on me with my best friend and a good for nothing ‘kilishi’ seller ?”
Everyone watched the scene like a stage play and took out their phones to record everything
” I know you had an affair with my best friend yesterday.”
“Jesus, fix it!” The bride’s mother shouted
” I know you’ve committed two abortions for your boss at work while we were in a relationship. I…” He continued
It was a huge surprise that sent the few who heard it in the front row fainting. Those who couldn’t get available fainting space in the Cathedral had to get out and faint, or beg others to shift so they could faint.
” Femi, you better shut up!” The bride croaked, shocked to the core about how her groom got to know all these secrets. She realized she had clicked the wrong button to unravel the forbidden secret about herself.
” I know of the affair between you and Seun, my co-worker. I know how you tricked me to believe that Mr. Wole was your Uncle, only to find out he is your sugar daddy ”
The bride walked towards her groom to stop him once more with a slap but he quickly blocked it halfway before it could strike.
” I’ve known your bends and turns all this while. But because I love you, I took in the pills of pain, hoping to see a change in your life. No matter how you are, I still love you. I’m not having an affair with Jemila. My boys and I were in a quick rush that we didn’t apply perfume till we got here and were rescued by Dorothy’s perfume. I don’t even know Jemila’s perfume. Yes, I ate ‘kilishi’ last night. Don’t believe pointless rumours please” The groom said.
The situation was gradually falling aback the previous heat it started with. The grumbling and murmuring from the congregation continued. None wanted to be a hero by trying to intervene. Well, they were going to solve their issues personally and privately in this journey of marriage so they needed to start right there on the first day.
” I won’t do anything to hurt you. I’ve endured much all this while to be a fool who would cheat on you. I can’t tell a lie at the altar of the Most High God, please.” He looked around him at the sea of onlookers and smiled. “Let it be known that all this was a show to entice everyone here, like a suspenseful twist in drama. Can we go back to the altar please? ” The groom whispered to his bride.
They faked a loud laughter, told everyone it was a prank, and walked gracefully back to the minister to complete the marriage right at the altar. The congregation laughed and applauded to that.
He knew secrets of his new wife. Only if she also knew that her friend Oluwafumi’s two year old daughter was actually her new husband’s child. And her new husband’s assertion of “I ate ‘Kilishi’ last night” involved the seller too. Or should I say he ate both. Well, he also didn’t know that his new wife was a month pregnant and the man responsible for this pregnancy was the man who pronounced them husband and wife. And if and only if the Pastor also knew that his wife was Damilola’s sugar mommy. They were as cupboards with skeletons of secrets in them…
….before the altar.
What a marriage bond!
Well, secrets are calm till they find the right time to come out to the playground.